cycling
27. Juli, 12:31 Uhr
A year ago-- I believe-- I posted about how cycling had saved my life. Well, I wanted to share the story again-- for those that didn't read it, and because this year is an important anniversary for me.
Throughout my adult life I have had anxiety-- basic anxiety which I have taken medicine for. I have, however, had it pretty good (I have a good job, a great wife, two beautiful kids, etc...) But unbeknownst to be, my anxiety turned into depression -- or I had depression all along and it came out the last few years. What I did not realize, though, was the effect it was having on me and my relationships. A few years ago I became increasingly irritable, frustrated, and reserved-- nothing I thought was abnormal since I have two young kids and a busy job (I am a teacher). I told myself that parenting was hard, teaching was hard, and frankly, life is busy: I did not have a lot of time to go out with friends, to engage in "self-care" or any of that stuff.
The arguments with my wife began getting worse-- whereas we would never raise our voices, I suddenly found myself yelling. I became increasingly demanding about tasks getting done and the feeling that she was not contributing enough to the relationship. Anyways-- as this is a cycling forum and a not a marriage or mental health forum-- I will skip ahead. Two years ago, my wife went to see her family in Florida-- she took both kids and I stayed home since I teach over the summer. We had been arguing during her time there, but nothing I thought too seriously about. When it was the night before her flight to come home, she texted me that she was going to stay in Florida for a few more days, to figure stuff out. I didn't think much about it. Well, a few days later, she said that she was not coming home, that she was not comfortable with the arguing, etc... and she had no intent of coming back. This pushed me to the edge-- so much (and it is painful to say it/write it) that I drove over to the train tracks and stood waiting for the train contemplating ending my life. I kept thinking that without my wife, without my kids, I had nothing-- it was truly the lowest point of my life. Thankfully the train did not come (I'm not a religious person or a believer, but wow, what a miracle that the train did not come by while I waited). Fast forward a few months later when she did come back and we started working things out.
But there was still a problem with my depression: my psychiatrist tried various medicines (which definitely helped), but I could not get out of the rut I was in. I loved time with my kids and wife, but I could not justify time for me-- and in retrospect, I did not like myself very much, so I hid it by spending all my time and energy on my family. Well, things seemed to stay consistent -- not great not bad-- and then I got another setback: after a routine physical exam (about 8 months ago), my doctor told me my triglyceride levels were very high, that I would need to take cholesterol medicine.
That was it for me: that was the moment that I decided to take my life back. I had been cycling for a few months prior, but this, I decided was the wake-up call I needed. I started biking more often-- and more strenuously. I changed my diet, monitored my calories, and started practicing gratitude. 8 months later, I have now done the following:
\-Lost 25 lbs and gotten off the cholesterol medicine
\-Completed a 47-mile charity bike ride (and a 42-mile one).
And perhaps, most importantly, gotten a new lease on life: my wife and I have the type of relationship we should have always had, and I love myself more than I can remember. I still have anxiety and depression, of course, but each day feels like a victory not a defeat. My bike-- and cycling-- saved my life, in no uncertain terms. It has changed my physical appearance, my mental health, my marriage, my job, etc...
So why post today? Well, my wife is with the kids in Florida visiting her family (the first time she has gone back without me since the time she stayed down there and things went really bad for me...) I keep reminding myself that this time is different, that we are not fighting, arguing, etc... But most important: I have my bike, now, so each day that I cycle, I feel my sense of calm settling in, reassuring myself that things are better. No medicine I have taken (though the medicines definitely help) could do or has done this for me. My wife will be back in a few days-- that I am confident of-- and even if I wasn't, i would just hop on my bike and go for a ride-- that way, I can ease my mind.
Thank you to everyone who supported me the last time I posted a long message like this-- you are all amazing people and I wish you happy and safe riding.
All best.
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